Yesterday I made the big decision to publish my second book next year. First payment on publishing made, not to finish my book!!! I’m terrified and excited at the same time. This is a big step, but I have worked on this book on and off for 10 plus years. HERE goes nothing. Cheers to 2022, should be exciting.
Mirror, mirror on the wall.
When will he come; when will he call.
Is love true; is he the one I shall vow too.
I am uncertain.
As long as I wait, I will continue to love more.
I stand bystander to the crowds as I desire the touch of your hand among mine.
Will he be the finally, the one that make my heart most true?
Or am I still to wait for they sir you….
(Poem of the young/ wishful me)
Ever since I was a little girl, I was a real sucker for a fairy tale. As I grew older, and life hit me like a baseball bat into next year. I learned the hard way that, that is not reality. Life, the real one we experience isn’t like the daydreams we cling to when where young full of hopes. That would just be too easy. We are one a rollercoaster, the hard, the tragic, and the mistakeable misfortune of growing older still searching for what you longer for at 10 years old playing wedding. Even in that misfortune I wouldn’t rewind, to do that I would lose all the moments that make you the person you are today. Without it all, I wouldn’t have the experience or the longing to write to others who too are still looking for just a little bit of fairytale to come true. Keep dreaming, it can still happen, but best advice I can give is readjust your reality and prepare for the short comings that will come your way on the rollercoaster to your future.
I wrote this many, many years ago, when I was not safe, in an abusive relationship. Thankfully I got free, and never looked back.
There are broken pieces on the floor all around me.
Breaking, if I don’t drown in theses tears first.
You’re a stab in the heart, you turn my world upside down.
Don’t you get it I have turned to stone.
I’m a statue in the making.
I won’t feel, I can’t feel.
My love has become impossible to steal.
It’s not happening, not again.
I’m sorry, I can’t give you love; I don’t have any to give.
I’m just broken pieces on the ground.
Please leave me be.
Don’t waste your time on me.
There is a waiting time, and you don’t have the time to waste.
I’m not ready and I won’t be anytime soon.
This pain is crushing me.
I walk around in a cold body.
I do anything I can; wrong or right, just to feel a God Damn Thing!!
Don’t you understand; he used me, he abused me; he used my love against me.
I have lost my trust, and I am not getting it back.
Give me a break, don’t do this to me.
Help, he is still using my love against me.
I’m Tired of this shit. I’m sorry mom.
I want to run.
I want a drink.
Fuck, I don’t know what I want anymore…
I’m sinking, letting the surroundings consume me.
It will be easier than the pain he will thrust upon me.
Silence, I am hiding to never return as I leave it behind me.
Who I will be tomorrow I don’t know, but there is no way I can get anymore broken then I already am.
My future is to be decided, but momma I got away.
Doors close behind my eyes
I no longer see what I’m used to.
The shutters of my heart close.
I only see a blank page.
Everything’s changed and can’t be reminded.
My life has stopped with the pain.
I no longer see what I once saw;
I am now overwhelmed with worry, fear, and agony for the cry of a baby.
All I think about is her; the angel I created inside of me.
I can’t help but wonder are her wings broken, or does she have none.
They say chances are slim, if that is true, I might go limp.
I can’t help but feel this feeling that I didn’t do the job I was supposed to do.
My body has let me down.
My body has failed me.
I want to not try again; so, I don’t catch blame for breaking another angel’s wings…
For now, I wait,
I wait for the light to shine through my shadow of defeat.
The light shall bring me back to the once happy life I lived.
Poem By KNP