Yesterday I made the big decision to publish my second book next year. First payment on publishing made, not to finish my book!!! I’m terrified and excited at the same time. This is a big step, but I have worked on this book on and off for 10 plus years. HERE goes nothing. Cheers to 2022, should be exciting.
Sitting here at the laundry mat, teaching the girl her ABC's. She's so smart, can't believe how much she's grown. Years ago, life was so unknown. Now I'm working and we have a home. I've got her and she's got me. She says Mommy your all I need. It warms my heart; it melts the snow. Only this mommy would know... When the green-eyed girl looks up at you, holds your hand as you cross the street. Momma's heart skips a beat. That sweet kiss goodnight on the cheek and then you hear " I love you" from down the hall. Baby girl and I are doing this on our own. Don't need no man to make this a home. I once thought it had to be, now I'm finding out nothing is how you plan it to be. Shit this isn't where I thought I'd be; low-income housing and food stamps for me. Where is my ring. Where are my three kids. Where the family photo that should be on the fridge. Where is her Daddy, when she needs him the most? I know where I stand, I know who I am. Until my day ends, all be here until that last i love you and kiss goodnight. This mother's love won't burn out. Cause when I'm gone, all love you more. All watch you grow, as I stand above you. All be your angel...cause this momma will never leave you. Krissy 2015
I wrote this song when my daughter was 5 or 6 years old, we lived-in low-income housing, and I had raised her on my own. She was my motivation, my reason to strive. My biggest fear was what would happen to her if I wasn’t alive.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall.
When will he come; when will he call.
Is love true; is he the one I shall vow too.
I am uncertain.
As long as I wait, I will continue to love more.
I stand bystander to the crowds as I desire the touch of your hand among mine.
Will he be the finally, the one that make my heart most true?
Or am I still to wait for they sir you….
(Poem of the young/ wishful me)
Ever since I was a little girl, I was a real sucker for a fairy tale. As I grew older, and life hit me like a baseball bat into next year. I learned the hard way that, that is not reality. Life, the real one we experience isn’t like the daydreams we cling to when where young full of hopes. That would just be too easy. We are one a rollercoaster, the hard, the tragic, and the mistakeable misfortune of growing older still searching for what you longer for at 10 years old playing wedding. Even in that misfortune I wouldn’t rewind, to do that I would lose all the moments that make you the person you are today. Without it all, I wouldn’t have the experience or the longing to write to others who too are still looking for just a little bit of fairytale to come true. Keep dreaming, it can still happen, but best advice I can give is readjust your reality and prepare for the short comings that will come your way on the rollercoaster to your future.
I wrote this many, many years ago, when I was not safe, in an abusive relationship. Thankfully I got free, and never looked back.
There are broken pieces on the floor all around me.
Breaking, if I don’t drown in theses tears first.
You’re a stab in the heart, you turn my world upside down.
Don’t you get it I have turned to stone.
I’m a statue in the making.
I won’t feel, I can’t feel.
My love has become impossible to steal.
It’s not happening, not again.
I’m sorry, I can’t give you love; I don’t have any to give.
I’m just broken pieces on the ground.
Please leave me be.
Don’t waste your time on me.
There is a waiting time, and you don’t have the time to waste.
I’m not ready and I won’t be anytime soon.
This pain is crushing me.
I walk around in a cold body.
I do anything I can; wrong or right, just to feel a God Damn Thing!!
Don’t you understand; he used me, he abused me; he used my love against me.
I have lost my trust, and I am not getting it back.
Give me a break, don’t do this to me.
Help, he is still using my love against me.
I’m Tired of this shit. I’m sorry mom.
I want to run.
I want a drink.
Fuck, I don’t know what I want anymore…
I’m sinking, letting the surroundings consume me.
It will be easier than the pain he will thrust upon me.
Silence, I am hiding to never return as I leave it behind me.
Who I will be tomorrow I don’t know, but there is no way I can get anymore broken then I already am.
My future is to be decided, but momma I got away.
Doors close behind my eyes
I no longer see what I’m used to.
The shutters of my heart close.
I only see a blank page.
Everything’s changed and can’t be reminded.
My life has stopped with the pain.
I no longer see what I once saw;
I am now overwhelmed with worry, fear, and agony for the cry of a baby.
All I think about is her; the angel I created inside of me.
I can’t help but wonder are her wings broken, or does she have none.
They say chances are slim, if that is true, I might go limp.
I can’t help but feel this feeling that I didn’t do the job I was supposed to do.
My body has let me down.
My body has failed me.
I want to not try again; so, I don’t catch blame for breaking another angel’s wings…
For now, I wait,
I wait for the light to shine through my shadow of defeat.
The light shall bring me back to the once happy life I lived.
Poem By KNP
It is something then cannot be taught. It is something we naturally do without trying. To be in the medical field compassion can be of great value. It is a skill that cannot be taught, to do CPR taught, to stop bleeding taught, and so on. If i could give any advice don’t lose your heart in it, keep that passionate, compassionate drive to make a difference alive. You will have tough calls. You will even have tough days where you make mistakes, fall on your face, fall off a step helping carry a patient. Don’t worry PT was fine no was hurt. But my dignity. OH YES, can’t forget falling in a canal ditch at 5 am. Yes, that was me this morning stepping out of the ambulance on a call, thankfully there was no water in the ditch. We are going to mess up, best advice I can give is laugh it off. If you can laugh at yourself and realize you are new. There is nothing you are not going to do that some newbie didn’t do already before you. That is the beauty of being new, make all your mistakes now so you can help someone like you later on.
The same goes for being a CNA, working in a hospital is a emotional rollercoaster. You go in one room they are fine, there was some minor stuff. Next room you go in is sometimes on comfort cares and they have hours to live. Death is sad, scary, and very real. The thing some don’t see is the peace that comes with death. The battle someone fights to live gets exhausting and they choose to let go. No more pain, no more being tired of being sick. I am not sure if you have read this book, “Tuesdays with Morrie” it is an exceptional read about coming to peace with death. That death is not fear. It is a beautiful story about finishing how you started. Choices made on your terms. This morning all leaves you with this, if we live our lives in fear, are you truly living, or are you just hiding because realism is too hard to face. Go for the real, the raw, as much as it hurts and can be scary to embrace there is beauty is the storm. You will come out stronger, and more confident because you didn’t give up when life go hard. xoxo
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